Well, Today marks exactly one month since I have been on a strict no alcohol diet. I am in no means an alcoholic, but for some reason I have lost my cool and cant hang. I am a super light weight and that leads me to completely blacking out almost every time I go out for a "casual" drink. Sounds pathetic, I know, but I didn't choose to be 1 inch small. Anyways, the sole purpose to "quit" drinking was to clear my thoughts, and become a more positive person. Inner peace seems to be the main focus.
Lately I have been feeling like I am at the stage of my life where I am viewing it from outside. As in like if I were watching some lifetime movie special. I am able to view and really see what I have gone through in my life and sort of connecting the dots as I reflect on how it has shaped me as the person I am today. I mean that as in flaws and all. I always think about what I could be doing if only I had a normal family who supported me throughout my college years. I could be saving money and using it to travel, or to work somewhere I am actually passionate about, maybe I can work somewhere where I actually had days off and could use my weekends to do something crazy. I recently thought about how lame it was that I had to put school on hold because I cant afford it while all of my high school friends were graduating and getting real jobs. As a result from all of those things I have become a more bitter person which has led me to be defensive, mean, and insecure. I feel like there are a constant stream of misanthropic thoughts going through my head. Now, I am normally known to be very vocal about my thoughts. I pretty much just tell it like it is. I like this about me because I feel like that is more real and more honest than people just saying what they think others want to hear. Some way down the road I think I became too vocal and started putting people down while I was completely belligerent. No matter how honest I am I was never a mean person and I don't want to be seen that way.
Now I am concentrating on getting to that stage of my life where I can fully learn and be positive about my past instead of bitter and I think cutting alcohol out is definitely the first step. I am beginning to see how successful I really am even having to have done all of the things I've had to do. Even though I haven't graduated and I am still working retail, I am working with one of the biggest companies in the US, I am making enough money to live in a nice apartment in one of the most beautiful cities in the whole world, I have enough to pay bills and I even get to attend as many rock shows as possible. It's a good thing to be a smart, responsible adult. I am in no way saying that all of the sudden I am becoming a different person. I still dont trust very many people, I will still have break downs and anxiety attacks over comcast bill and getting a clipper card before the 3rd of every month. Who am I kidding, I'll probably never know what the fuck I'm doing but I do know I have the best boyfriend and the best friends to remind me every day why my life rules. I think after I have achieved full inner peace, I will be able to drink and be merry like it should be. Aside from booze I am also doing more hiking, drawing, reading, creating etc. It has been so nice to get back into those hobbies!
I rambled way too much. Next post will be better, I promise.
I had a couple of problems with this post, and here's why:
ReplyDelete1. You reminded me that I'm a lightweight too, and I cannot hang at all..but I still try.
2. It made me sad to see you feel that way about yourself and feeling like you're watching your high school friends move onward without you. For starters, the fact that you feel this way shows that you are constantly evolving and growing!! This is normal. :) Secondly, a college degree really means nothing...I'm in my fifth year, and I never would've thought to use the word "misanthropic", it's what you do with your time that matters. Thirdly, to be honest, I see you as a HUGE success. You were doing things that most of us want to go to college in the hopes that we can live your life someday- you up and moved to an amazing city, you're super hip, you're a good person living a good life!
3. Going off of the last sentence above- I never told you this, but the life you live + your fearlessness to venture into the unknown has been one of the driving forces of me in college. No joke, I would read your blogs and constantly think," Wow, she is doing really cool things. I can only hope to do the same later on and break free of this warm, cozy cave I'm in."
4. I don't like that you cut alcohol, btw. I want more Aly and AJ 3AM videos.
5. I don't like how this post inspired me to write a blog in your blog!!
But what I did like the most about this entry is that:
1. You realized that you have a lot going for you :) and that you don't always have to have the answers to still have a direction.
2. You are just so freaking cuuuute. And not little.
@Tiffany
ReplyDeleteThis made my night! :)
1. Isnt it weird? I seriously cant have ONE beer without getting loopy and weird.
2. I guess its not uncommon to feel this way especially when watching SO many people talk about graduating and stuff, especially when all you've ever wanted was to graduate from college and get a degree. The good thing is that I am constantly reminding myself why I had to put school on hold...it wasnt because I am lazy and didnt have motivation, which makes me feel better. I just want to be successful.
3. This is shocking but so nice! I never knew that and honestly I would have never thought that. Like I said a couple days ago, youre the COOLEST person I know. Just everything you do is amazing.
4. I can arrange that!
5. Again, this comment made my day!
6. Yes! I am pretty lucky to be on my own in this city and doing things. I always wish I could afford to drop everything and go on a vacation and do crazy things but I am proud of myself for being able to be so responsible.
7. I AM LITTLE!! :(
I love youuuu!!!!